Satan's Urine

So long Sprite, catcha Coke and farewell Fanta. We had some good times but now I see through your sugary, bubbly facade into your heart of darkness.
Your teeth rotting, ass fattening, sugary addictiveness will fool me no longer. I have cast you aside in favour of your little cousin.. Cordial.
Ok, still not ideal but if it can encourage me to drink water, then it's a step in the right direction. Hatred of drinking water is hereditary in my case, even my grandad would say 'water's for tadpoles'.
So, here I am, reduced to drinking 'lemon crush' cordial.. Weak to slowly wean me off 'the hard stuff'. If you find me, a quivering mess on the floor, rocking back and forth saying 'just one sip, please, it's all I need, I've had a hard day man' then give me a good ole slap and remind me: 'Softdrink is the Devil's Urine'.
It makes you FAT. It makes you DEHYDRATED - kinda stupid side affect for a DRINK hey?
So, I will check in and let you know my progress. If you don't hear from me for a while I am probably having a trainspotting moment.. Pinned to the bed, gaping in horror at a little baby, crawling across my ceiling, clutching in it's pudgy little fist the anti Christ of softdrink. My big time weakness. The devil himself, melted down into fizzy evilness, to make me his mistress. CHERRY COKE. Oh God No, Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Make it go away. Make it go AWAY.
Anyway, cordial anyone?

Mess

Word of the week: Mess

'A confused mixture, disagreeable to the site; A state of disorder'


Well isn't that just me to a 'T'? I am a confused mixture of hope and pessimism. Of strength and fear. Of mirth and melancholy.

I am disagreeable to the sight - sheesh, where do I start with that one?

A state of disorder. Hmm inside my head. I don't know what to worry about first. Family dramas, lack luster employment, very few qualifications, failed relationship, mortgage on a house I'm not sure I want. No clear goals, direction or plans.

My only aim is the pursuit of happiness - a tad broad hey? Also hampered by the fact that I am not sure what would make me happy in a real sense.

Enjoying work - but I don't know what I want to do. Mum being happy - again, I don't know how to make that happen. Financial comfort - that's not enough for me on it's own, I guess it takes pressure of though, when you have it.

I have vague ideas but no specifics starting points to make it happen. I am kind of in limbo. Not hideously unhappy. Just uninspired. Stuck. A Mess - my room is always a mess, maybe its merely an extension of the inside of my head? Nothing unfixable just in disarray. Things I can't find a place for or can't be bothered to deal with.

I like to think I am endearingly messy. Not a slob, just not a neat Nazi either. Hey, If I can see all my stuff it's easier to find. How do you fight that kind of logic?

Jason Vs Johnny

I now have a locker at work. The metal kind with a combination lock. It takes me right back to the days of year eight with my Jason Priestly poster and the mountain of mess propped against the door, just waiting to avalanche all over me each Monday morning.
There was an art to opening my locker. You had to unlock it while leaning against the door. Then whip the door open in one fluid movement and either brace your arms to catch the books, papers and rotting pieces of fruit that came tumbling out or jump back and let the inevitable happen.
Hanging at the lockers was the high school equivalent to the work water cooler scenario. It was your chance to gossip about the weekend, bitch about your day and generally procrastinate about getting to class or going to the library.
At work ours are in the tearoom. I got screwed, mines on the second to bottom row. I have to sit on the floor to undo it. Usually the arriving shift of people mill around and chat to those on breaks, swear and stomp around when their combination doesn’t work and drag their feet in regards to starting their shift. All of this is accompanied by the shrilling of several mobile phones stowed in lockers as we are not meant to carry them around with us.
Most lockers have smart arse comments written on the name labels or photos or posters or stickers. Some people write ‘complaints to the neighbours’ and stick them on the locker next to them or booby trap unlocked ones with gaffer tape, personal alarms or someone else’s lock.
So, in other words nothing much has changed in the last thirteen years in regards to locker use. Although, I am tipping good ole Brandon doesn’t grace many lockers nowadays.
Mine is still a mess; still have a stash of junk food and trashy magazines. Would still be losing the key if it were a padlocked one too. Must find some photos to jazz it up. Most likely will be of the pets.. or Johnny Depp… some guys never go out of fashion.

Kill me now

If ONE MORE PERSON says they thought I was thirty I will just give up, buy fifty cats, stop dyeing my hair and just embrace frumpiness. I mean what's the point? If I look thirty now, how old am I going to look when I AM thirty, like forty five?
Then people say, it's not just your looks, you just come across as older. I would like to think this has something to do with grace, intelligence and maturity. Realistically it's probably more to do with the fact that I don't watch shows like 'The X Factor', never been a clubber and never know what's on at the movies or hot on the music scene.
I think the fact that I have lived out of home for over eight years contributes to my altered outlook a little. Most people my age still live at home, have been to uni or have traveled over the past few years.
I left home, lived with a guy for eight years, have a mortgage and have had to work to support myself and forgo some of the fun things.
I didn't plan this to happen. It would be less sad if I was still with the guy. Now I kind of feel I missed out on being irresponsible and commitment free for nothing.
I want to travel or study or work part time and do other stuff too but I can't do that and have my own place. I am too accustomed to my independence to share the house or move in with family.
Sometimes I feel trapped though. Hemmed in by bills, maintenance of the house and taking care of everything on my own as well as working ridiculous retail hours.
Will I ever have the chance to re-evaluate my career and study for something I want to do? When will I be able to travel? I could never afford to put the money aside of take extended time off work.
I am sure it will all work out. Mostly I love having my own space and controlling my own future. But I am NOT thirty... God I have another four years yet. Maybe it's time for a mini midlife crisis.
I can't afford the sportscar but there is always... Shoes. Retail Therapy, here I come.

Cupid shoots me in the ass again this year

No, no, I am NOT one of those bitter single people that after a break up claim 'Valentines day is SO commercial, you should just be nice without any prompting'.
As if. Guys need prompting. Plus, who am I to knock an excuse to exchange prezzies, be extra nice to each other and remember why you are together to begin with?
Ok it can be kinda hard on those of us who are Singletons but I see it as a day to value all the people I care about. Friends, family, whoever makes you smile.
I have had some wonderful times on Feb Fourteenth in the past but I wont be sitting by the mailbox this year, I know that would be a self esteem killing exercise. But hey, it's ONE day right.
I shall live vicariously through my friends. He bought you WHAT??? You went WHERE??? Oooh that's cute, oooh that's tacky...Eeeeew don't tell me THAT, I didn't need a visual.
So, Happy Valentines Day out there. Hope Cupid is kind to you all xoxox

Ooooops

Last night I discovered why I have so many cyber-sex freaks finding me on icq. I thought it was just that there were so many out there I was just getting my fair share but it seems this is not the case.
Aside from my magnetic personality it seems I made an unfortunate choice of what to include in my personal profile. It appears that my seemingly innocent choice to include 'Sex and the City' under my favourite shows had an unintended outcome.
When people are searching for new contacts and type in 'sex lover' in as keywords, they get my name in their list. Eeeeeeek. Not good.
No wonder I have had users such as 'Big Boy' sending me messages like 'Mmm baby, I think you want to talk to me'.
Far be it from me to write off anyone interested in bit of virtual 'horizontal folk dancing' but people who open with lines like that are BEGGING to be told 'you go fishing with that kinda bait, you end up pulling yourself...'

Memory

{a poem I wrote years ago}


Random fragments of time gone by
Cascading over synapses
Planted in fertile subconciousness
Nurtured with imagination
Pruned by denial
Lurking in forgetful shadows
Catapulted into the present
Projected on an invisible screen
Restored, Re-lived, Remembered

Hiding in my room

I should get up. I should feed the cats and dogs. I should clean the house. I should wash some clothes. All of this would involve leaving my room though. So it's doubtful it will happen anytime soon.
It's weird, I have always felt that when I am in my bedroom I can hide away from everything. Even though the whole house is mine and no one else is around, I still feel 'safest' holed up in my bedroom. I have decked it out with my laptop, tv/dvd, ipod/speakers and I always have my phone in here. Usually there is a pile of food, drink and books by the side of the bed too.
So I can hang out here and get totally absorbed in reading/chatting/music/dvd's and pretend there is no world outside my door.
I have always been this way, maybe it's just built in from the days of living with my family and relying on using my bedroom as a refuge from reality.
I think I will do nothing today. Just bludge. I am sure I will regret it when it reaches say 6pm and the whole day has slipped by but I really can't find the motivation or energy for anything else.
It's been a huge week at my new job and I feel kind of drained. It all went ok and I am picking things up pretty well. I might be going to my actual store next week which will relieve the feeling that I am in 'limbo'. I am kinda worried I may not earn enough at this job to cover the mortgage and still live a comfortable life. I am trying to push that feeling aside and tell myself to wait and see. For starters the commission structure is changing this year so it's stupid to even worry about it for now. I guess the pressure of having the whole mortgage and all the bills to myself for the first time ever is a little daunting.
I will wait and see I guess. I just hate that though. I want to know now. Now, now, now! Well, time to space out for a while....