Come Dance with Russ

"I am obviously a complicated, messy, psychologically damaged weirdo and... It's an unfortunate thing that people don't simply understand that and leave me to my padded cell."

Yes. Yes, you are Russell Crowe. If you only would confine your childish temper tantrums and Oscar Winning arrogance to a padded cell, I would gladly leave you there (and throw away the key).

In regards to the phone throwing incident, Mr Contrite had the following pearl of wisdom to offer:
"It was a stupid thing to do but one doesn't dance alone,"

That's right Russ, one involves innocent bystanders and hurls telecommunication devices at them for not immediately bowing to the will of '30 odd foot of Grunts'. More like 6 odd foot of asshole.

Kid-ding Around

The two baby goats stolen from the Royal Melbourne Show have been turned into a local vet and are in good health.

I know this is kind of an obvious question but WHO STEALS BABY GOATS? Is this a disturbing new progression of shop lifting? Or is it the childish pranks of a 'Kidnapper' in the making?

How the hell did someone manage to get them OUTSIDE the show grounds? Live goats aren't really the type of 'shove up your jumper' booty that teenagers favour when visiting department stores.

What on Earth were these goats rustlers planning to DO with two live goats anyway? Hide them in their closet? Have a mini sacrificial ceremony? Secure a never ending supply of revolting milk?

Not exactly a well thought out heist really. If the neighbours of these thieves are as nosy as mine, it wouldn't have stayed a secret for long. I think most old biddies peaking through their curtains would tend to notice a couple of black goats being 'secreted' into a back yard. You can just hear some gravelly old bag saying to her long suffering alziehmer addled husband 'Pssst Errol, I told you those whippersnappers at number 24 were up to no good. I just saw them take a couple of goats inside. Perverts'.

It doesn't even rate as a 'bitchin adventure' to relay to an awestruck assembly of pimply mates once school goes back. 'Dude, I stole some goats on the holidays'............ 'Errrr, why?'.

Honestly, what is this topsy turvy old world coming to when not even the animals in the petting nursery at the Show are safe from the good old Aussie Five Fingered Discount caper.

I for one will sleep a hell of a lot sounder now that I know the poor critters are safe and well and out of the hands of the type of degenerates that well, steal goats. I hope these fiends are caught and suitably punished. Maybe tied to a farm gate and subjected to death by 'butting'. That'll learn them.

Yo-Yo Week

The past week has been good and bad. Up and down. Happy and stressful. You get the idea.

Good: Annual leave for a few days
Bad: Having to clean the old house to get ready for sale

Good: Getting my car fixed (it's amazing how much difference a bumper makes to the front of a car!)
Bad: Having to throw a major tanty at the repairers to get them to honour their own timeframe

Good: Having a girls night in on Friday night
Bad: Getting asked to 'move out of the way' at the local footy so guys who couldnt be fucked to get out of their cars could see the game while we braved the rain. And they say chivalry is dead.

Good: Going out Sunday and seeing a movie with someone I just met
Bad: Coming home to find my dogs very sick

Good: My dogs back from Vet hospital
Bad: Having to wait to see if there are ongoing health issues. Worried sick

Good: Opening of new store delayed by a week which means I might have time to hire staff
Bad: Finding out I have a 7am meeting an hour from home on Tuesday (Eek!)

Good: Going out to Pancake parlour for dinner and eating 'It' (hot buttered walnuts and Jamaican banana on pancakes!)
Bad: Seeing a couple getting jiggy with it on the back seat of their car in the carpark with a JESUS FISH on the back window. Is carsex a Christian tradition???

Good: Finding out my new sofas will be delivered on Saturday
Bad: Not having the time to chisel a decent arse indentation into the new sofa as I will be busy cleaning/dealing with estatge agents/unpacking/grocery shopping/trying to learn alchemy so I can afford to put petrol in my car

So as yo-yo week draws to a close I will be 'walking the dog' (to the vet) while my brother 'Goes round the world' and emails me to brag about getting stoned in Amsterdam!

Do you think you are better off alone???

As soon as you rely on someone to be there for you when you are at your worst, you give them the power to let you down. To hurt you. To remind you how low your personal anguish is on their list of priorities.
Some people do it on purpose. Some people don't care. Some people just don't know the right thing to say or do. Some people genuinely may not be able to help you at that moment but might not express that to you. Not realizing that when you need their help the most, you are incapable of asking. Or not even understanding that saying 'I wish I could be there but I can't because...' would make you feel less alone.
Is it better to try and not need anyone? Then no one can disappoint you. You wont end up thinking your life is worthless because you don't inspire in others that 'I'd drop anything to help you' attitude that you have for them.
I am coming to the conclusion that every time I soften and let my guard slip a little that I am setting myself up for a world of hurt.
So, what to do? Cultivate a tougher exterior shell and not let anyone or anything chisel its way through? Or deal better with the inevitable hurt if I don't?

Ode to Sloppy Staff

I decided to write a poem to put in the kitchen at work. The staff never wash up their plates etc after using them and there is no reason for me to do it for them. I have threatened to throw all the cutlery/crockery out since they cant accept the concept of cleaning up after themselves. I am far from a Neat Nazi but I have to maintain a reasonably tidy workplace and I fucken hate it when people use my mug and leave it dirty! That could be a little anal but that's the way it is!

Tonight I was bored and decided to channel my unused energy into being one of those annoying bosses who tries to be funny and ballbreak at the same time.

This was my 5 minute effort:

Your mother doesn't work here
And neither does your maid
If plates and cutlery you hold dear
My warning must be obeyed
Wash it after you use it
Or I'll throw it away and you'll lose it!

Anyway. Now I have exposed another level of personal lameness to you, I am off. I must rest and build up the energy to say things like 'if you have time to lean, you have time to clean' and 'we don't pay you to stand there with your finger up your nose' etc etc.