Monday, January 23, 2006

Happy Biiiiiiiirthday dear Bl-og!

Wow. I have been writing this Blog for a year now. 12 months of ranting, sooking, celebrating, confessing and documenting.
The trials and tribulations that shape the life of Mel. Hopefully this year will bring more tribulations and less trials but we have 49 more weeks of posts to find out.
Things seem to be off to a better start. New job. Selling old house. Feeling happier in general.
Every now and then I re-read this blog to ascertain just how much I have humiliated myself on here. Not too much I guess. Although, not many people tune in too often so I can say pretty much whatever I want!
I am proud of myself for never deleting a post. No matter how my feelings may have changed or how petty something has looked days later, nothing has been edited out.
Some things never change. It's 3am and I am awake. I must get up by about 10am to get ready for my appointment.
Hmmm something just fell of the bed and crashed on the floor. Sounded breakey. Better check it out. It was probably just my dignity. Or sanity. Nothing too important then!

In time honoured tradition, I am bringing this incoherent stream of babble to a close without ever reaching a point.
Happy Birthday, Blog!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

A step in the right direction

Finally, a few good days to restore a little harmony and stability to my life!

My brother arrived back in Melbourne yesterday. He has wonderful stories and photos and it is so good to see him and have him back. After two days I still feel like it's only temporary having him here even though he doesn't plan to go away again yet. It's awesome having him just down the road.

I had my medical this morning which went ok. My hearing and vision and everything else were normal. Then I did some shopping as I need to get birthday presents for K&K. After that I went out with L (my brother) to get a new mobile phone as his is trashed and to run some errands.

This afternoon I got a call to say I GOT THE JOB!!! I start on 6th of Feb so have to decide if I am going back to work to do the week's work I owe them in notice or call in sick and be broke but have some extra time of. Decisions, decisions. Hopefully getting this new position which is MON-FRI and within a government call centre will mean I have a fresh start and more manageable workload and that I can have a bit more of a life for the first time since I moved out of home 9 years ago.

It hasn't really hit me yet. I am also waiting to find out if the offer on the house is progressing. It
could be a very productive month!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Please, Mr Sandman

Once again, sleep is eluding me. I feel tired. My head hurts. I feel like I desperately need sleep, it just wont come.

My insides are still in knots from stress. There has been an offer on my house. It's under contract but I wont know if the buyers finance will come through for another two weeks. The money I may get is less than what I was hoping for, but enough to cover my debts and give me a fresh start. That will have to be good enough. It is too expensive and tiring to continue pursuing anything else.

I should be able to speak to the employment agent about the job I interviewed for in the morning. They have checked my references and want to book me in for a medical which seems like a good sign. The medical is a bit of a worry. Hopefully I make it through.

I am seeing my normal doctor tomorrow so will be able to talk to him about not being able to sleep and what has been going on at work. On Tuesday my brother returns from his six months overseas. I can't wait to see him and hear all about what he has been up to. I have missed him. He is one person who keeps me positive and thinks highly of me, reminds me that there are people that do.

My friends took me out for a wonderful birthday dinner which cheered me up lots. They have so much on their plate at the moment that it is amazing they find time for me. I sincerely wish there was more I could do to help them. It's been a tough couple of years for us all. It is comforting to know that whatever life throws at us, we will deal with it together. It makes things seem less daunting.

Hopefully things will be getting sorted out in the next few weeks. I should know if I am successful with the job application by the end of this week. Then I can quit my current job and serve out my notice, if necessary. A week after that I should know if the sale of the house is going through. That means February will hopefully hold a new job and settlement of the house sale - by the start of March I would be debt free.

I am trying to focus on these things. To hold out and see if things are going to be resolved. The constant low level stress inside is bothering me but I know it will recede once things are organised in my life.

For now I will take it one day at a time. Monday means going to doctor, contacting job agent to book medical and stalling for more leave from my current job. It would be nice to do those things with at least a few hours sleep behind me. Please, Mr Sandman!

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Tunnel Vision

I am going for a job interview today. It may rescue me from my current, suffocating situation. I don't feel I can return to my current job without knowing for sure that I have something concrete to leave it for a week or two later.

I am on 'sick' leave for stress. My boss hasn't called or sms'd once to see how I am going or what can be done to facilitate my return to work. This is all the evidence I need to prove that they will never take my complaints seriously or do anything to support me long term.

I can't sleep. As usual. Since I began this leave I have been unable to sleep at night, regardless of taking different types of tablets. Now I don't bother. Why put tablets in my system that I know aren't going to help me? I am sick of laying, wide awake and watching the hours drag by though. Night time has always been my most vulnerable time for worry. I am being revisited by my nightmares too. Freakishly realistic to the point where a couple of times, later in the day, I am not sure if conversations with people took place in reality or my tortured minutes of sleep.

I think I am feeling too unsettled. I have always had a problem with instability - not knowing what is going to happen. Not having an answer, a concrete plan. My bills are mounting up while I am not getting paid. Fueled of course with my house not selling, this is yet another source of stress.

I feel this interview, is my chance to take control again before things slip beyond reach. To prove to myself I am better than the state I am in now. That things have changed. I don't want all the hard work I have done over the past few years to be a waste of time. I have pushed myself so far from where I was. Slipping back to that would be unbearable. A defeat I cannot accept.

The interview is going to be over three hours. It will incorporate group, one on one and role play scenarios as well as typing/verbal/arithmetic tests. I am so nervous. I can barely breathe at the thought of sitting there, trapped, all that time. If it pays off, I will have a mon-fri job. Something I have not enjoyed for many years.

I desperately need to sleep for a few hours before I have to get ready. The hours fly by when I have to be up at a certain time. The later it grows, the more stressed about getting some sleep I become and the less sleepy I feel.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a positive experience tomorrow. Hopefully a new beginning. A light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Q's

How can you achieve happiness when you don't know what would make you happy?

Which goals do you strive for when what you want may not be what you need?

Who can you trust in your life when you can’t trust yourself?

What can be done control a pain that controls you, to cure an illness you can’t describe?

When can you be sure you have left your past behind?

Where do you go to get away from yourself?

Why is it so much easier to believe the insults over the praise?