The Job Slut Returns

Well. I wasn't even AT work today and it still managed to cross the line from frustrating to pure ridiculous.

The staff are way out of line and have finally twigged that they are digging their own massive graves so they have decided to try and bury me instead. After all the extra hours I have worked so they wouldn't have to. After providing them with a microwave and a toaster out of my own pocket. After offering them lifts home, rostering around their commitments and ensuring they haven't been stuck with computer dramas or stress from higher up this is what I get.

I am over this company. The back-stabbing, the immaturity, the low wage and the lack of support from those paid to assist you.

I am back on the market. I am pursuing greener pastures. I will do my best to fuck them all out of their jobs or at least their positions in the store they chose to work out and then I will leave.

This latest round of stress is the last thing I need with my house on the market and my own lingering health issues. If my house sells soon I may just piss off overseas and forget about work for a while.

Time to choose life. Choose happiness. Choose plagiarism of Trainspotting.

What's a gimp suit?

My sweet little Mum looked up from the group email from my brother the other day and asked me this. Did he really need to joke about searching for a leather gimp suit in Italy in an email he cc'd TO OUR MUM?!!? I told her she didn't want to know and that in no circumstances should she type in into google.

Aside from that, Ma and Pa Z did indeed visit my store the other day and were as disruptive and opinionated as I expected in their usual passive aggressive fashion. I survived. They survived. Evacuation alarms went off in the centre but it wasn't from me becoming a random sniper so all is good. There were lots of firemen for me to perve on too. Always a welcome diversion.

Today I saw an Osteopath for the first time ever and he is my new hero. He put my neck back in place (apparently three vertebrae were out of place and there was lots of inflammation) as well as adjusting my shoulders, elbows and wrists. He also said my left hip was so far out that my legs were totally different lengths. I know this was true as I have felt 'twisted' on that side for months. He popped it back in and now when I stand I feel totally different (and taller) and my knee will hopefully improve as a result. I will be going back in a few weeks to have it all checked and for him to fix my lower back (which I didn't even have to tell him I had problems with, he just knew) and even do some work on my sinus issues. If he can fix that he will achieve God status as I have had years of infections, tests, injections and bills caused by sinus/throat problems. All in all it was the best $40 I have spent in years and I feel positive and relieved that he will be able to help me address some of the pain and illness I have had for years.

I am taking a couple days off work to get over the soreness and the shock of so many adjustments for my body to get used to. Also for a mental rest (or sanity break as K put it) and to help me decide whether to stay and see what happens or be off like a brides nightie.

I am a much happier Mel today and am hoping to get things back on track very soon...

A case of the Mondays

Don't you hate it when half your day off is eaten up by stressing about the week ahead?

Yesterday was heaps fun. The girls and I had a wine and seafood lunch on a deck by the bay, followed by a walk on the sand. Then we took my crazy ass pooches for a walk, or rather my crazy ass pooches took us for a drag. I bought an icy pole at the end of it so I was happy. Last night I set up my spare tv in my bedroom and watched a horror movie until 3am. All in all a very satisfying day.

Today, on the other hand I am taking mum to the dentist (we both detest going so we go together for moral support and to make sure there is no wussing out!). I also need to go grocery shopping (nooooooooooooooooooo!) and get my shit ready for the week of work ahead.

The main trauma I am facing is that tomorrow I get Ma and Pa Z, the owners of the company coming out to my shop to torture me. Well, that's not on their official agenda or anything but we all know that's what will end up happening. I am so not in the mood to bullshit my way through such a visit at the moment. Plus Ma likes to sell for old times sake. Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll cop some junkie feral that will scare her back to her million dollar apartment. Bring on the dole bludgers, the skanks, the skinheads, the losers, the agros and the mentals. Children of Funkytown, I implore you, banish these evil corporate yuppsters back to from whence they came.

Work is kind of annoying in general at the moment. Between ball-breaking bosses and shitty-sarcastic staff I am OVER it. Christmas is fast approaching and I feel about as far from pumped, energetic and motivated as you can get.

I have been having quite vivid and violent nightmares too. Nothing like dreaming of death and destruction to put you in the mood to go to work and sell.

I think it's time to do something different. Pack up my shit and travel or totally change industries before I degenerate into a random sniper. Hopefully my house sells in the next few weeks and my options open up.

For now, back to the daily grind. 20 hours of freedom left... And counting

How about some head?

Saturday my friends and I went to the races. Caulfield Cup Day. We sat on picnic blankets in the sun and drank Champagne, perved, bitched about people's outfits (particularly the Supre Specials) and even managed to win some $$$ throughout the day.

All in all we had an awesome time. It seems to be such an open and friendly atmosphere. People talk to you and compliment you on your outfit and you make temporary friends and jump up and down and scream as the actual races thunder on in the background. Ok, so the feeling of friendship and the flirting is most definitely alcohol fuelled but it is all in harmless fun and makes you appreciate how lucky we are to live in a place where a days like this happen.

Personally, I am always up for an excuse to get tarted up and hang with the girls, getting tipsy in the middle of the day and wondering around chatting to random people in the drunken fuzzy warmth and huge open air meatmarket that such an event provides.

Of course, the drunker you get, the sillier you become. K&K bought a bag of Freddo 'Heads' as snacks but mainly for the entertainment value. My friend N took very little convincing indeed to cut into the gargantuan line for the bar by approaching some random guy with the bag and saying 'so, how would you feel about some head?'. It worked. We had two bottles of champers and were back on our blanket within ten minutes, laughing at the gormless fools who queued legitimately in the line that snaked through the stadium and outside. It took N's friends about 40 minutes to return with a few cans of beer while we polished off the fist bottle and lent over the railings to take close ups of tanlines, spats, VPL's and other fashion faux pas passing us by.

As the day wore on our behaviour degenerated into giving false names to guys, ripping ties of another guy and 'teaching him how to do it properly' (it ended up around his forehead Rambo style), writing 'slut' and 'whore' on ourselves with make-up and flashing it at people (ok, that was mainly me) and of course the obligatory food fights. Nobbys Nuts and half chewed strawberries make surprisingly aerodynamic missiles.

By the end of the day, in varying degrees, we sported sunburn, make-up tattoos, blisters from ridiculous but 'hot' shoes and a severe case of the giggles. Thankfully K&K's Dad collected us from the races and ferried us back to their place to sober up, tidy up and review some hilarious photos of the days debauchery!

Boredom: The desire for desires

Do I feel any better or am I just deciding not to acknowlegde the less appealing thoughts/feelings today?

I am bored. Uninspired. Lonely. I am not alone. Just lonely. Things feel kind of pointless.

I got my new store but I am not motivated. I know I shouldn't let other people bring me down at work but I can't really help it. I see no 'joy' in my workplace for the foreseeable future.

I half jokingly asked a friend to move to Queensland with me. I know she can't for a variety of reasons but it was kind of a fun idea to think about. To just pack it in here, sell up and go see what life brings elsewhere. I know I would miss my family/friends/pets but it wouldn't be forever. It wont happen though. I am too 'tied' here.

The latest bombings are yet another sad indication of what a dangerous place the world is becoming. Where people will murder innocent holiday makers just to make a point. I feel deeply sorry for the people injured, families who lost loved ones and the people of Bali who seem to be the other innocent victim of a terrorist agenda. As if people will take their families there now. The few people who were brave enough to go will surely largely be put off by this latest horror?
Every day that my brother is overseas I stress. Who knows what will happen next or where? No one thinks it will happen to them.

I seem to be attempting to distract myself from the feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness I have been feeling. To push the fear right to the back of my mind and refuse to give it life. Nothing is getting fixed I am just trying to maintain control until I find a goal or direction that may lead to happiness or as one of my online friend advises, to find contentment.

I know I should (ad regulalry do) count my blessings. I have much to be happy about. I feel guilty/stupid admitting to the dissatisfaction I am experiencing.

I need to find something positive to focus on. My goal now is to find a positive goal. G would tell me to stop desiring things I don't have, then I would have contentment. Sounds too much like giving up or settling for less to me, thankfully I am obviously not ready to either of those things just yet..

Dice

I know it will pass, as it always does but sometimes I hate my life. Right now I have no goals that seem remotely achievable (no positive ones anyway), no real direction and nothing I feel overly proud of.

I have my new store, which is very nice looking and close to home. I am not fond of someone I work with. They are such an effort to get along with. I find it hard enough to be confidant and happy and this person is sucking my will to even try.

There are so many things going on right now that are dragging me down and I am struggling some days to not return to my darker ways of dealing with the pain/hopelessness that not many people are, or ever will be aware I feel.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sheer depth of the pain a person can feel. Sometimes I want to find out how much deeper it can get. Sometimes it seems unbearable and sometimes it seems like fun.

If I am asked, 99% of the time I will shrug it off as me 'having a bad day' but it's often more than that. I wonder if I will censor myself and delete this post later to save having to explain it to certain people.

Not that there is anything to worry about. I will be fine as I always am. The people who care will be my reason for making sure my visit to my destructive side is brief and not too harmful. The people who pretend to care but turn a blind eye to reduce the amount of actual effort they need to put in will never know the damage they are capable of.

Ultimately only I can control how much damage that people, circumstances or tendencies can cause. As long as I feel like keeping that at a 'superficial' level all will be fine.

Another day, another roll of the dice...