Thursday, January 12, 2006

Tunnel Vision

I am going for a job interview today. It may rescue me from my current, suffocating situation. I don't feel I can return to my current job without knowing for sure that I have something concrete to leave it for a week or two later.

I am on 'sick' leave for stress. My boss hasn't called or sms'd once to see how I am going or what can be done to facilitate my return to work. This is all the evidence I need to prove that they will never take my complaints seriously or do anything to support me long term.

I can't sleep. As usual. Since I began this leave I have been unable to sleep at night, regardless of taking different types of tablets. Now I don't bother. Why put tablets in my system that I know aren't going to help me? I am sick of laying, wide awake and watching the hours drag by though. Night time has always been my most vulnerable time for worry. I am being revisited by my nightmares too. Freakishly realistic to the point where a couple of times, later in the day, I am not sure if conversations with people took place in reality or my tortured minutes of sleep.

I think I am feeling too unsettled. I have always had a problem with instability - not knowing what is going to happen. Not having an answer, a concrete plan. My bills are mounting up while I am not getting paid. Fueled of course with my house not selling, this is yet another source of stress.

I feel this interview, is my chance to take control again before things slip beyond reach. To prove to myself I am better than the state I am in now. That things have changed. I don't want all the hard work I have done over the past few years to be a waste of time. I have pushed myself so far from where I was. Slipping back to that would be unbearable. A defeat I cannot accept.

The interview is going to be over three hours. It will incorporate group, one on one and role play scenarios as well as typing/verbal/arithmetic tests. I am so nervous. I can barely breathe at the thought of sitting there, trapped, all that time. If it pays off, I will have a mon-fri job. Something I have not enjoyed for many years.

I desperately need to sleep for a few hours before I have to get ready. The hours fly by when I have to be up at a certain time. The later it grows, the more stressed about getting some sleep I become and the less sleepy I feel.

Keeping my fingers crossed for a positive experience tomorrow. Hopefully a new beginning. A light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

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