Dice

I know it will pass, as it always does but sometimes I hate my life. Right now I have no goals that seem remotely achievable (no positive ones anyway), no real direction and nothing I feel overly proud of.

I have my new store, which is very nice looking and close to home. I am not fond of someone I work with. They are such an effort to get along with. I find it hard enough to be confidant and happy and this person is sucking my will to even try.

There are so many things going on right now that are dragging me down and I am struggling some days to not return to my darker ways of dealing with the pain/hopelessness that not many people are, or ever will be aware I feel.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the sheer depth of the pain a person can feel. Sometimes I want to find out how much deeper it can get. Sometimes it seems unbearable and sometimes it seems like fun.

If I am asked, 99% of the time I will shrug it off as me 'having a bad day' but it's often more than that. I wonder if I will censor myself and delete this post later to save having to explain it to certain people.

Not that there is anything to worry about. I will be fine as I always am. The people who care will be my reason for making sure my visit to my destructive side is brief and not too harmful. The people who pretend to care but turn a blind eye to reduce the amount of actual effort they need to put in will never know the damage they are capable of.

Ultimately only I can control how much damage that people, circumstances or tendencies can cause. As long as I feel like keeping that at a 'superficial' level all will be fine.

Another day, another roll of the dice...