Woof Woof = I like the blue one

I heard the most RIDICULOUS thing today. Some tragic people take their pets to an 'Animal Communicator' or as I like to now call them a 'Bullshit Artist'.
The basic premise appears to be that you take your pooch (for example) to this uniquely 'gifted' individual and they interpret its thoughts and secret desires for you. EG.. I want a blue collar.

Call me cynical but I think the more accurate message here is 'You are stupid enough to pay this charlatan money to make stuff up, I am embarrassed to be your pet'.

Maybe I'm not giving my dogs (Beagle and Staffy X Beagle) enough intellectual credit. Here was me thinking that when they stare at me drooling they are thinking 'Feed Me, Walk Me, Rub My Tummy, Throw my Toy' when actually they have been desperately trying to send me vibes to tell me that they would prefer I paint the lounge Cornflower Blue than Pavlova White.

See, the inner bi-atch dictates that if I could be bothered establishing myself one of these 'businesses' (lets face it I am as qualified as the next swindler) I would be tempted to use this 'power' (or rather gullibility of the customer) for EVIL. Who could resist? 'Well David it appears that Rex here would rather you got around in white leather pants and spats when you are walking him. Anything less is a glaring insult to his individualism'. And you know, these people are the ones who are dumb enough to do it!

What would drive people to waste their money like this? Loneliness? Stupidity? Both? I am sure if the dog had his choice he would rather you buy him an Elephant bone to chew on than pay some freak to tell you he farts because he's secretly attracted to the couch but too ashamed to 'tell' you.

Please people, if you ever feel the need to visit an Animal Communicator consult this handy checklist first:

1) Wait until the effects of the weed have worn off and then see if you still feel your pets are dying to express their thoughts to you.
2) Watch your dog for ten minutes. Consider the chasing of its own tail, eating of its own crap and running into the wall a HINT to its capacity for deep ponderings.
3) Try to see what kind of vibes you get from your fridge, toilet brush or carpet fibers. They could be tortured by your lack of interest in their opinions too. If you feel this is a possibility SEEK HELP FOR YOU before visiting any hippie interpreter.
4) Flush a $50 note down the toilet. Understand it was money well spent compared with letting someone tell you your cat is dying for you to write its memoirs.
5) This is the big one people. DO NOT reach for the car keys until you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say you have given this a try. GET A LIFE YOU PATHETIC LOSER.

Anyway, I think I have this out of my system now. Better run. Late for my seance to discuss the issue of 'music theft via free downloading' with Elvis Presley. What? It's a totally legitimate pursuit of a deeper insight into the world around me.